Loss

I’ve taken a week off next week. It’s the one year milestone since my husband died. Strangely in many ways the year has passed very quickly. I made a decision last year that my best route to coping would be to get busy to get over the worst times at the start. Loss is something we all deal with at some time or another, its a leveller which puts everything in perspective. So looking back, for anyone else with loss like this to deal with, what helped me? Probably for me its been about having a positive outlook more than anything else. Look for what’s good in your life and hold onto that.

From day one do things your own way, offers of assistance from  friends and family are always made with the best intentions, but deal with things in the way that you find comfortable, don’t make decisions or do anything because its the way everyone else does it

Don’t be surprised that the friends who you now have most rapport with are different from previously, you’ll become closer to different people, sometimes thats to do with  mutual life experiences

Don’t let how others behave around death upset you, everyone finds death difficult and some people won’t be themselves around you, thats ok

Start with the basics – remember to eat, sleep etc, that gets you through the first few days

Keep busy, to begin with tasks and chores  help your mind. I went back to work very quickly and it was my saving grace. Get into new routines, you can loosen these up as time goes on but its important to have some kind of schedule going so you don’t just stop functioning.

If things like sleeping are hard, then just rearrange your sleep routines. It doesn’t matter how long you stay up and guess what you can get lots of stuff done in the middle of the night!

Keep time just to be by yourself. Take time to be alone and just be, think and order your thoughts. I try to get half an hour or so every day to clear my mind, a bit of breathing

Live life to the full. Life is too short to worry about minutiae, do the things you want to do, remind yourself of what your dreams are and go for them.

Possessions and things are best to be dealt with quickly. When you lose someone their memories are with you, deal with clearing clothes etc quickly, it becomes increasingly hard as time goes on

Force yourself to go out. I often don’t want to go out but if I’m invited to things I make an effort to go. It gets easier every day. Don’t worry about doing things on your own, who cares? Go to the pub, go for your lunch, there won’t always be someone around who wants to do things at the same time as you, just do them.

Realise how important your children are. You can see every day in them how you and your partner have worked together.

Tackle firsts (Christmas, birthdays etc) head on – they won’t go away by worrying about them. Shoulders back, deep breath – things are always a bit easier than you think they will be.

Organise holidays, breaks etc. You’re the only person who is going to organise this, so do it.

When you’re feeling off, admit it to yourself, no-one is infallible, there’ll be good and bad days, with time there are fewer bad days. The most important thing you can do for yourself is be really aware of when to stop and when to remove yourself from situations

Be really thankful for your own coping strategies and resilience, they are I think pretty much linked to how your marriage was within itself, if you coped well with things together, then you’ll find coping with grief easier.

And last but not least I’m  keeping  trying to listen to music – and sometimes its not just a chore but because I want to…